The short and insignificant post.

I’m beginning to come to terms with the fact that I may have a problem, or perhaps, I am the problem. One big psychological problem, I had no idea where or when I lost it, I’m guessing it’s probably at the age of 11, when I got pulled away against my will to a land where only evil existed. It’s inhumane to do that to a child. I would never do that to mine, that’s if I get any.

But then again, it would just be typical of me, to blame something, someone, anything but myself.

When you said “I Miss You. But you’re unforgivable.” I took that as something to hold on, I thought to myself that I’ll just take the positive and get rid of the negative.

But in the end, all I did was increase the negative and got rid of the positive.

It dumbfounds me how dumb I can be, it started out as simple as wanting just a close friend to confide in. Somehow these feelings appear and destroyed everything, everything.

Feelings destroys friendship.

Perhaps I should control myself so much, that I may never have feelings for anyone again, that way no one would get hurt.

Sigh. Sucks to be lost.

 

I still remember the day I first saw you, I thought to myself, who the fuck is this girl? Talking so loudly as if she owns the world. I pretty much despised you when I saw you. But who knew the roller coaster ride we went on for the next 15 months. It’s crazy, I would never allow myself to do that to anyone, I see it now the mental torture of having to bear with me.

It sucks to know that I can never keep up with what you’re going through,

Sucks to lose a friend.

Especially one as meaningful as you were.

You’ll be missed, sorely.

Goodbye feelings, goodbye J.

Bittersweet epiphany

It was this foreground that it all went down. Where a sweet sweet dream turned into nightmare. How could I ever think that happy endings exist, why would I allow myself to succumb to such lies. Happy endings only exist in fairytales made up by adults to give some sort of “hope” to young children that life is a breeze. Bullshit. Yes i’m feeling very bitter. Do i not have the right to? I opened my ever so  fragile heart and got excited only to be left all alone in the dark room with only the full bright moon light shining through with a bottle of whisky in one hand, and vodka in the other. All that’s left now is the feeling of love lost. It’s neither remorse nor unsatisfaction. I just wish you could see how much I really mean what I say, how much you actually mean to me. How much I hold on to the slightest of hope you let slip off your gentle lips. Though mostly that night might have been due to being under the influence. Yet all that doesn’t matter because we managed to escape from reality for a bit and it was fun while it lasted. But now that we’re back in reality, thats when the bittersweet epiphany hits home, and thats where my journey begins yet again, that journey of denial. Cause hunny, I ain’t letting you go. I’m staying, eventhough everyday we grow apart, what I feel for you, will never ever change.

 

I miss you already J.

Moving on, again.

There always comes a time when you know you have to move on. It’s when you get treated like shit, with no respects, and all the signs are pointing and flashing like a billboard telling you she’s just not into you. That time, unfortunately, has come. It’s hard. It hurts. Cause I kinda hoped something could have worked out. But I guess you found someone better. As for me, it’s time to run along, run alone. Sink into that deep abyss and never come out. Sigh. I feel like shit. F***

If Only…

I woke up this morning thinking of If Only’s …

If only I saw what was in your heart. I’m sorry I didn’t see the signs. :/

I should have had better instincts. I should have not moved on, instead I should have held on earlier.

All that’s left now is regret.

And you’ve moved on.

Sunsets.

 

There’s just something about sunsets that draws me in. It’s like an emotional attachment that births out from within my soul.

It’s really my escape from reality. Every now and then, I press a button to take my to a higher place. I lean against the wall, and watch the sun go down. Staring into space, not caring about anything in the world, because it’s there and then that I just dwell in the serenity of nature’s awesome power.

But I know it’s merely an interlude in a day. When’s it’s dark. I go back down, all the way, back into reality, the harsh reality.

Reality of brokenness and despair, where things don’t go my way, or aren’t meant to be.

I guess that’s just the way it is, Life. Right?

It may be easy for you, but it won’t be easy for me.

When the past comes haunting.

38 days ago, I posted something that at that point really seemed like the perfect stabbing to the heart of someone at that particular time, i really didn’t like. Which I obviously have come to realization concerning my absurdity. It may be too little too late to ask for forgiveness. I know you might read this. Do know that I have never once doubted your capability to be a great friend, even if  I did, it must be when I did not use common sense when talking to you. Of course after what I did/say to you, no one would blame you even if you didn’t forgive me. I don’t deserve it. Never will. The day you walked up and said “can we talk?” was the happiest i’ve been since, well, i think you know since when. But yea, when we hugged. My heart melted. i’ve missed you, I really do. I know that many things can be deleted, but there are some things that are forever etched in your mind, however I would like to ask for another chance that I may not erase, but rather replace it with new memories that won’t disappoint you. Please?

Love,

Levi Asher.

Hope is gone.

I grew up in one of the most beautiful states in Malaysia, yet all that was tainted by one thing. I had a skin disease, I do not know what the medical terms for it is, but basically, it’s white spots. By the age of 7 my body was filled with it. I was in primary schools with ruthless and immoral beings, and there my “happy childhood” was ruined. At the age of 11, I was pulled away from the land I grew up in, and thrown into a underdeveloped uncivilized hellhole. 5 years there did me no good, sure I gain experienced, yet the depths of abyss I sank into left scars that marred my soul forever. Then I came to this city, the heart of the nation. By now, one would expect me to be this little insecure boy that never had a proper childhood. But i did the exact opposite, I grew into an overly-secured, extremely independent, man. So much so, that 21 years later, I still have not found a close friend, one I can confide my deepest secrets too. It was always either platonic, or physical relationships that developed in the end. I never really understood society’s rule that we must co-exist with one another. So does that make me an outcast?

I’m afraid this dangerous road I’m traveling would not have happy ending. Yet I have no idea where the brakes are.

Don’t ask me “what’s wrong?” or “are you okay?” , because, to be honest, I cannot even comprehend the basics of the matters that trouble my soul.

21 and kickin.

21 is no big parade.

Somehow the events that have led to the unfolding of the very day that supposedly defines the hours of adolescences, the beginning of a milestone, the part where, “life” begins. It hasn’t been easy, 21 years alive, how many more to go, only God knows. 21 years of wear and tear, of surviving every single stone, rock, or meteorite throws at you, yet still coming out alive and better than ever before. Then there are the moments that you cherish for life, the ones that when you think about it, you can’t help but smile at it, the love that have lost, and the love that still is.

I never thought it would be an un-event.

How getting deeply involved in so much various commitments have cut me off from the grasp of society, leaving me stranded at times, not alone, but without the ones that matter the most. Time moves ever so swiftly, yet it feels like eternity from one second to another.

21. is just, a number.

Boo.

Hello world!

I realized my shortcomings in not updating this little page. It’s not that I’ve been ignorant of the fact that my keyboard is extremely nice to type on, just. Well, you know,  laziness is bliss.

Maybe, JUST maybe, when the assignments come rolling in, so will random nonsensical postings that would fit in perfectly here rather than on the assignment sheet.

So yes, I’m still alive, and barely kickin’.

Thank God there was no need for Day 3

*breathes* What doesnt kill you, only makes you stronger. Now that statement is very true. You know I never believed in the saying, “if you dont have something good to say, dont say anything.” I’m more of the, if you have something to say, just bloody say it already. It may bite at times, but hey, who am I to judge. Now I have come across all kinds of people, maybe not all, but it sure is alot, and people always have intentions, however I might not be able to understand them. Just in this case, how in the world would I understand these people’s intention in doing something like this, bringing down a person soul just to, what? Satisfy their own? It’s easy to understand why many backslide, and how many despise the religion of Christianity. I myself have been guilty of contributing to that. But it’s sad. I really wanted to give it all up. Honestly. Knowing too much, isn’t always the best. When you’ve seen it all, what goes on in front, and behind, and all around you. It’s sickening. Anyways. That’s enough about that topic, it’s a neverending one.

I couldn’t make it for APYAC this year, more of I didn’t want to for the first day, and couldn’t for the rest of the days due to work issues. But I really didn’t feel up for it, my soul said no, I knew I could be blessed and all, and my entire life would most probably change in a second, along with 1500 others. But what’s the point? What’s the point if I know at the end of the day I will fall back into the same cycle. Now I know when the time comes where I will, finally, run my course, and achieve my purpose in life. But now, it somehow isn’t time. There are trials that I need to go through, there are seasons of battering where I need to face, and at the end of that, my true self will emerge from all the dust. I hope. Well, i will let conference #243116 pass by this time. I will let 2009 come to an end, with family and close friends by my side. Then 2010, i will grab you by the horns, and we’ll have the of our lives. Season of reckoning beckons. I’m ready, oh yes I am. Self-realization has arrived. I am, awake.